Once Upon a time in Transfigurations Class
by Valeoftheanduin
Summary: A fun filled romp complete with a substitute teacher, a dastedly kidnapping, transfiguration madness, Romance, books and FBI agents, not to mention our two dashing heroines. - F/F Slash
1. The First Chapter

Title : Once Upon a Time In Transfigurations Class.  
Author : Valar  
Pairing : H/G  
Rating : PG  
Disclaimer: I own nothing, therefore I am sad and jealous and have decided to steal these characters - please don't sue me ? .......  
"Ahh guys have we got the right class ?!" Asked a slightly confused Ron, as he scratched his head in thought and stared at the front of the class room.  
  
"Ohhh No !" Harry whispered over dramatically, as he came to a sudden holt beside his best friend.  
  
"I believe I said "Ohh No!" !!!" Harry repeated again, feeling that Ron simply wasn't paying him enough concern.  
He decided to add a hand clutched to his chest, and a slight feinting sway for better effect.  
However when that failed to work he decided to simply go with a loud tapping foot, and a rather large pout.  
'Honestly!' Harry thought to himself - Ron could be such a guy sometimes!  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
"Wow!" Hermionie spoke to no one in particular, as she quickly leafed through her transfigurations textbook.  
"A few drops of luteweed-badgers potion taken before transfiguration actually enables a person to hold the form of the dung beetle for 14.34 days straight! How terribly interesting!" She sighed, as she pressed her beloved book even closer into her face.  
  
Unfortunately this caused her not to notice that her two friends had already come to a sudden halt.  
  
"Ouch!" She complained as she ran smack, bang into them, causing them all to collapse to the floor, in a rather loud and sore manner.  
"Tut tut!" An extremely dark, and rather pleased voice tsked from the front of the class room.  
"I will not have tardiness nor tomfoolery in my class room!" Continued the suddenly much nearer voice.  
"31 points each from Gryffindor !" It finished.  
  
"Ohh No!" Harry repeated for the third time, as he looked up into the sadistically grinning features of the Potions master.  
  
"You can say that again !" Ron quickly whispered.  
  
"Hmmph !" Sighed Harry as he crossed his arms and began pouting again.  
  
"What the ? " Hermione shouted, thoroughly annoyed that Professor Snape was actually trying to interfere with one of HER classes.  
"Why are you here ?!" She demanded.  
"This is supposed to be transfigurations, not potions, we've already had that today !" She finished, deciding to cross her arms and pout too.  
  
"Ahh Miss Granger, Its so good to see you to. What do you think about an extra 72 points from Gryffindor ?" Snape smirked.  
  
"'Mione !" Ron complained.  
  
"Ow !!!" Ron cried, as he clutched his aching face, and quickly removed Hermionies fist.  
  
"Will you three PLEASE sit down !" Snape snapped exasperatedly.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
"Right then. As you may have noticed I am not your normal transfigurations teacher." Snape explained.  
"Unfortunately Professor McGonagall has ahh ..... um ...... well she seems to have come down with something. So I will be your substitute teacher today." Snape finished with a rather large, rather evil smile.  
  
Just then a loud banging and crashing sound came from a small wardrobe at the front of the class.  
  
"Umm Professor Snape, Sir ?" An eager young student asked, thrusting his hand energetically about in the air.  
  
"Yes Mr longbottom ?" Snape sighed wearily.  
  
"Ahh well Sir, there seems to be some loud crashing and banging coming from the wardrobe behind you. " Neville replied, happy to be of some real use.  
  
"Ahh what wardrobe ?! " Snape Hurriedly queried.  
"Ohh you don't mean that do you ?" He continued pointing at a now worryingly shaking and rattling door.  
"Ohh no, Mr Longbottom that's not a wardrobe, its a ahhhh ..... ummm ..... well you see its ahhh ...... well its a painting, Yes ! thats it !" Snape stated, rather happy with his quick thinking.  
  
"Ohhh." Said Neville.  
  
Suddenly the wardrobe began to shout "Help" in a distinctly, though somewhat muffled Scottish accent.  
  
"Drat !" Exclaimed Snape, as he quickly turned around and pointed his wand at the shouting door.  
  
"Shutupous !" He quietly yelled, and the door suddenly became quiet and door-like once more.  
  
"There see, not moving, not talking - completely door like! Ahh I mean painting like! " Snape happily told the class.  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *   
  
"Right !" Snape addressed his new class.  
  
"Today we will begin transfiguring ourselves."  
  
"Professor Snape !" Hermione exclaimed horrified.  
"Dont you think that's a little advanced ?" She questioned.  
  
"Well hmmm, let me think ........." The substitute transfigurations teacher replied.  
"Umm ............. NO !!!!!!" He shouted.  
  
"Miss Granger 'A' you are all 6th year students, this should be easy! And 'B' Do not question me Damn it! 23 points from Gryffindor!"  
  
"Well I never !" Hermione sulked to herself, rather offended.  
  
"Now if Miss Granger has finished interrupting us for today, then we will begin." Snape stated.  
"I will come around each of you with a hat filled with the object I wish you to transfigure yourselves into, you will each pick an object out of the hat and follow the spell listed beside it. Does everyone understand ?" He explained.  
  
"Ahh no Sir ...... " Neville began.  
  
"Good ! Right then lets get cracking shall we." Snape replied as he made his way around the room.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
"Ohh Cool !!!" Ron exclaimed happily as he read his chosen object.  
"Look Harry ! I got a 'Tiger Shark' - how cool is that !" he finished, giving Harry a cherry slap on the back.  
  
"Ow !" Harry complained, as he pushed his falling glasses back onto his nose, and reached into the hat.   
  
"The FBIs Number 1 Most wanted Criminal ?" Harry read out loud.  
"Well that's a little weird ......... " He trailed off, somewhat confused.  
  
"Hehehehehe." Snape cackled quietly.  
  
'Well then Miss Granger, Lucky last hmmm." Snape stated, shoving his hat at her.  
  
"This is soooo lame. " Hermione quietly complained, as she reached for her piece of paper.  
  
"A Fairy Princess." She read out.  
"Well I don't suppose that's too bad. " She admitted.  
  
"What ?!" Shouted Snape, as he quickly grabbed the paper from Hermioneies hand.  
"No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! That is not a valid option! " He grouched as he screwed up the paper and threw it away.  
"Try again Miss Granger."  
  
"Right ......" Hermione stated, as she pulled out another piece of paper.  
"Ohh cool !" She cried, showing Harry and Ron her option.  
"I get to be 'The Head Librarian' !"  
  
"Huh ?!" Screamed Snape as he grabbed the second piece of paper of Hermione.  
"No, no, no, no, no, no, no ....." He stated over and over again  
  
"Why ?!' Whinged Hermione, afterall she had rather wanted to do that one.  
  
"Ahh because, well you see, umm Mr weasley wanted that one." Snape quickly stated, thrusting the paper at Ron.  
  
"No I didn't ." Ron admitted.  
"I really really wanted to be a tiger shark." He stated firmly, nodding his head to emphasis his point.  
  
"Yes you did Mr Weasley, now be a good boy and say that spell." Snape argued.  
  
"Fine then." Hermione harumphed, as she reached her hand towards the hat for the third time.  
  
"No ! I pick." Snape hurridly stated, as he snatched the hat away from Hermione.  
  
"Hmmm Yes ! this should do nicely." He smirked evilly, as he handed her a piece of paper.  
  
"WHAT ?! " Yelled Hermione completely astounded.  
  
"No Way !" She stated firmly, shaking her head.  
  
"Yes Way, Miss Granger." Snape happily told her, as he began skipping back to the front of the class room.  
  
"What did you get 'Mione ?" Ron asked, as he quickly turned over her object name.  
  
"What's it say Ron ?" Harry asked interested in why his friend was now rolling around the floor kicking and screaming.  
  
"Ahh it says : 'Lesbian' " Ron replied.  
TBC ........ 


	2. Harry understands

Chapter II  
"Lesbian ....... ?!" Harry repeated scrunching up his brow in confusion.  
"What's that ?" He asked Ron.  
  
"Ohh is it like that Lesbianese food or something ?" He quickly asked, before Ron had a chance to even answer his first question.  
  
"Honestly Harry !" Ron exclaimed disappointedly.  
"I thought you where supposed to be THE boy genius !" He added as he shook his head forlornly.  
  
"Well even THE Boy Genius doesn't know everything !" Harry grumbled, as he crossed his arms and turned away from his best friend.  
'Honestly!' He thought to himself, 'Ron could be SO insensitive sometimes !'  
  
"Harry A 'Lesbian' is a muggle thing !" Ron stated exasperatedly.  
'Honestly !' He thought to himself, 'Harry could be such a ........ well such a muggle sometimes !'  
  
"Ohh is it ?!" Harry questioned, quickly turning back around.  
"Wow ! I've never heard of it, and I used to be a muggle." He added.  
  
"Well it is." Ron replied firmly. After all Ron considered himself to be quite the expert on muggle things - well didn't his own father work for the Ministry of Muggle Affairs, and hadn't his own sister tried to kill a couple of them in her first year at Hogwarts!  
'Yes' Ron thought smugly to himself, If you wanted to know anything about muggles then you needed go no further than him!  
"Harry, a 'Lesbian' is a type of singer." Ron finished rather knowledgeably.  
  
"A singer .... ?" Harry queried confusedly.  
"Well I've never heard of him !" He stated firmly, crossing his arms to further emphasis his point.  
  
"No you nitwit! I said TYPE of singer. Like a blues singer, or a country singer. Ron quickly corrected Harry.  
  
"Ohh." Harry nodded.  
"So, Hermiones going to be a singer then. "  
  
"Yup." Ron replied, happy that the boy genius wasn't a complete idiot after all.  
  
"So, how do you know that then ?" Harry suddenly asked.  
  
"Ohh, Ginny likes lots of lesbian stuff. " Ron replied, quickly grabbing his books and leaping from his seat, as the bell for the end of class rang.  
  
"Ohh" Harry stated happily, as he quickly grabbed Hermione from the floor and ran after his friend.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
"Hermione I really don't know what your screaming and performing about" Ron mumbled around a mouthful of food.  
"You know we might have actually had a chance to do those transfiguration spells today if you hadn't made such a fuss. And anyway I think Snape gave you a really great choice." He continued.  
  
"Yeah ! I want to be a lesbian too " Harry stated, wanting to join in consoling their friend.  
"Do you think if I asked him nicely tomorrow ....."  
  
"You know you two are not funny " Hermione whispered tearfully, as she stood up and glared angrily at her two best friends.  
"I thought you were both better than that, but really your just a pair of juvenile male prats !" She sobbed.  
"Well maybe I am better off being a lesbian after all !" She cried, as she quickly raced out of the room.  
  
"See." Ron smiled triumphantly, as he slapped his friend across the back.  
"Now she wants to be a lesbian !" He stated happily.  
  
"Yeah." Harry smiled.  
"We make great best friends, don't we Ron." He smirked.  
  
"We certainly do Harry ! 10 points to us !" Ron laughed.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
"Oww !" Hermione yelled, as she ran smack bang into a rather solid object.  
  
"Mione ?! Are you all right ....." Asked a rather startled Weasley.  
  
"Gin ....... What are you doing here ?" Hermione asked, quickly forgetting her sore head.  
  
"Running into Damsels in distress it would seem" Ginny smirked.  
"Although unfortunately I think I mean that literally." She sighed melodramatically.  
  
"Ginny, did I ever tell you that your a complete idiot sometimes ?!" Hermione shook her head rather amused at her friends silly antics.  
  
"Constantly M'Lady." Ginny smiled, as she threaded her arm through Hermiones, and led her off towards the library.  
  
"So what ....." Hermione began.  
  
"Ohh, I had a Divination paper to finish for next period, so I figured I'd skip lunch for the library." Ginny stated merrily.  
  
"Gin !" Hermione stated disapprovingly.  
  
"Well it is only Divinations Mione." Ginny smirked.  
  
"So what caused you to run from your lunch crying, into my arms then ?" Ginny asked, to quickly change the discussion from her less than scholarly habits.  
"Not that I'm complaining now mind, but ...." Ginny continued.  
  
"Ohh Gin." Hermione cried, tears beginning to well in her eyes again, as she tightly wrapped herself around her dashing young friend.  
"Its all so horrible !" She loudly sobbed.  
  
"What is ?" Ginny asked, beginning to become a bit worried.  
  
"Ohh Ginny I couldn't possibly tell you !" Hermione wailed.  
  
"Well you don't have too Min ...." Ginny began.  
  
"Ohh Ginny, I'm going to ..... I have to ...... you see ...... Well Gin, I'm a lesbian !" Hermione cried, as she hugged her young friend even tighter.  
  
" ?! " Said Ginny, as the beginnings of a smirk settled on her merry young face.  
TBC ........ 


	3. Professor Dumbledore misplaces something

Chapter III  
  
"Ahh Gin, where are we going ?" Hermione asked her dashing young friend, inbetween intermittent sobs.  
"Because, you know, I'm perfectly sure that this ISN'T the way to the library...." She continued, becoming worried that they weren't actually heading towards her one comforting, happy place.  
  
Ginny simply smiled, and pulled her upset friend even closer.  
"Oh Hermione! They don't call you the school brain for nothing, do they ?!" She grinned, shaking her head at her friends uncanny brightness.  
  
Hermione sighed contentedly, as she snuggled into her friends comforting embrace.  
"So then Sir Knight, where are you taking me ?" She asked happily.  
  
"Well, uhh I was thinking, that I should probably take you to my room, to uhhh rest in uhhh my bed, 'cos uhhh you probably need some rest, seen as your so upset." Ginny nodded, rather pleased with her lame excuse to get the girl to her room.  
  
"Well, why don't I just go to my room then ?" Hermione sensibly asked.  
  
"NO !" Ginny shouted, far to loudly, and far to quickly.  
  
"No ?!" Hermione repeated, rather confused at her young friends sudden outburst.  
  
"Well uhhh, ummm ....... my rooms closer !" Ginny quickly stated, as she began to hastily drag Hermione towards the Gryffindor common room.  
  
"Ohhh." Said Hermione, after all she supposed that was probably quite sensible really.  
  
"But Ginny, what about your homework ?!" Hermione suddenly asked, coming to a complete and utter stand still, and braking away from the younger girl.  
  
"But Minoe! Its only Divinations." Ginny whined  
  
"GINNY !" Hermione exclaimed rather loudly, placing both hands on her hips, and looking crossly at her younger friend, to further emphasis her point.  
"I do hope your only joking !" She told the red head, as she turned and almost ran towards the library.  
  
"Well Drat !" Exclaimed a disappointed Ginny, as she quickly followed her retreating friend.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
"Mmet mmm mot mmf mmmmr "  
  
"I'm sorry my Dear, I simply can not understand a word your saying." Professor Snape replied to the small Tartan bundle which was rocking around on the rather large oak chair it was tied to, and shouting all manner of unintelligible phrases.  
  
" I said MMET MMM MOT MMF MMMMR !!!!!" it shouted again, as it began to rock more violently.  
  
"Really my Dear, your going to injure yourself if you keep that up." Snape arrogantly replied, as he tried to go back to reading his book on how to become a great belly dancer.  
  
However the Tartan bundle didn't seem to be listening as it began to rock harder, and shout louder.  
"MMMUN MMI MMM MMMW !!!!" It screamed.  
  
"Really Minerva !" Snapped shouted, as he quickly jumped out of his seat angrily snapping his book shut.  
"I am TRYING to read here you know !" He complained.  
  
"MMMUN MMI MMM MMMW MMU MMMTTLE MMT !!"  
  
"Ohhh for Goodness sake Minerva, speak properly !" Snape exclaimed exhasberatedly.  
  
"Well maybe I could if you would remove this ghastly gag, you imbecile !" Professor McGonagall shouted back.  
  
"Ohhh ! Well yes ..... quite, Sorry about that Minerva." Snape smiled humorously to himself, seeing his error, as he reached across and quickly removed the gag.  
  
"Ohh that is so much better." McGonagall stated quietly.  
  
"Right, so you were saying ..... ?" Snape began, as he once again seated himself, and opened up his book.  
  
"Ohhh yes, I was saying @#$*/? ^&%**?/- @#$! ^&#$% #$%?/ !!!!!!!!!!!!!! " The transfigurations teacher began screaming.  
  
"ARRRGGGGHHHH !!!" Screamed Snape as he quickly leapt up and once again gagged Professor McGonagall.  
  
"You wont get away with this Severus !" McGonagall quite clearly screamed through the gag.  
"I'll get you, and your little dog too !!!!"  
  
"Minerva I do not have a dog, little or otherwise." Snape replied, begin to wonder about the transfigurations teacher's sanity.  
  
"Well #$%@ $#&*?/ &*##$) then !!!!!!!!!!" McGonagall screamed.  
  
"Really Minerva." Snape stated disapprovingly, as he pointed his wand at her.  
"Silencio " He spoke quickly.  
  
"Ahhh, that's better." He smiled into the silence.  
  
" Cementis " He quickly added waving his wand at the angry looking transfigurations teacher, just in case she decided to interrupt his reading by rocking around the small wardrobe.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *   
  
"Ahhh Masters Weasley and Potter, Good Afternoon." A gentle old voice called out as Harry and Ron raced down the Hall towards their next class.  
  
"Hello Professor Dumbledore " Harry and Ron happily chorused together.  
  
"Ahhh what exactly are you doing Professor Dumbledore ?" Ron asked as he watched the kindly Professor glue hundreds of posters onto the hall walls.  
  
"Ahhh, well you see, I seem to have misplaced one of my teachers." Dumbledore stated sadly, as he continued to fix the posters to the wall.  
  
"MISSING : One Transfigurations Teacher. Answers to the name Minerva. If found please return to Albus Dumbledore, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Reward may be Given." Harry read out loud.  
  
"But didn't Professor Snape say that she was sick this morning ? " Ron asked Harry, now somewhat confused.  
  
"Yes I'm sure he did." Harry nodded.  
"Perhaps you should ask Professor Snape where she is Sir, I think he seemed to know." Harry told Dumbledore.  
  
"Well I just might do that. Thank you Mister Potter." Dumbledore smiled, as he turned back around and began fixing up the last thousand or so of his posters.  
  
"Good one Harry !" Ron whispered to his friend as they headed towards the herbology glass house.  
"Now Snape's going to get the reward !"  
  
"Well Drat !" Exclaimed a suddenly disappointed Harry, as he ran to catch up with his quickly retreating friend.  
TBC ................. 


	4. An old Bag

Chapter IV  
  
"Ahh Professor Snape, just the fellow I was looking for." Professor Dumbledore chorused happily as he rounded the corner and entered the small transfigurations room wardrobe.  
  
"Professor Dumbledore !" Snape exclaimed worriedly as he quickly leapt to his feet and tried to stand inconspicuously in front of a rather annoyed looking Professor McGonagall.  
  
"What do you want ?!" Snape snapped rudely, crossing his arms and pouting savagely.  
  
"Ahhh ........ I mean ..... Professor Dumbledore, how terribly wonderful to see you." Snape quickly added upon seeing Dumbledore's troubled frown.  
  
"Ahh well yes Severus, good to see you too." Dumbledore mumbled politely.  
  
"So Professor perhaps I can offer you a seat.... outside, in the classroom..... actually why don't we just go down to my dungeon, much more comfortable you know." Snape hurriedly stated, as he began to push Dumbledore out of the small wardrobe.  
  
"No No, here's fine thank you Severus." Dumbledore cheerfully replied, as he shook off Snapes hands and seated himself in the chair the potions master had previously been using.  
  
"Well Fiddlesticks !" Snape exclaimed loudly, rather annoyed about the whole fiasco.  
  
"Sorry Severus, what did you say ?" Dumbledore asked distractedly, as he quickly flicked through A Simple Guide to Belly Dancing - Even Your House Elf Can Do it.  
  
"Ohh I ahhh said ....... ahh ... How can I help you ?" Snape rather lamely replied as he quickly sat down on top of Professor McGonagall in a last ditch effort to hide her."  
  
"Owww ! You great big dim witted excuse for an overgrown doily, why when I get out of here I'm going to ....." McGonagall began to screamed angrily.  
  
"Silencio !" Snape quickly shouted, pulling out his wand and pointing it behind him, shaking his head sadly that no one had yet invented a permanent silencing spell, this was just getting a little ridiculous.  
  
"You know that voice sounded awfully familiar ..... " Dumbledore stated, scrunching his eyebrows together to help him look like he was thinking harder.  
  
"Ohhh" Laughed Snape, somewhat fakely.  
  
"No that's just one of Minerva's quaint little tricks." He quickly added, trying to come up with a completely plausible excuse.  
  
"Uhhh yes, she umm transfigured an old bag into a chair." Snape stated, laughing hartely at his rather funny solution.  
  
"Ohh well that certainly explains everything." Dumbledore said nodding his head.  
  
"Yes, quite. " Snape happily agreed.  
  
"So you were wanting to know something then ?" He continued.  
  
"Ahh yes Severus." Dumbledore began, putting down the book and giving the Potions Master his full attention.  
  
"You haven't happened to see Minerva anywhere have you ?" He queried.  
  
"NO!" Snape exclaimed, rather too quickly.  
  
"Ahh I mean no, I really can't remember seeing her at all." He quickly amended.  
  
"Ohh." Dumbledore muttered sadly, he had rather hoped Severus would know, but oh well ........  
  
"Its just that young master Potter said you knew where she was ......" He added hopefully.  
  
"Why that little jumped up ........ Ahh I mean that darling little Potter boy." Snape smiled phonely.  
  
"Well he is a little bit simple though isn't he, poor thing......" He dramatically sighed.  
  
"I'm sure he probably just misheard me Albus."  
  
"Ohh" Dumbledore again muttered sadly, as he slowly rose to continue his search elsewhere.  
  
"Don't worry though Albus, I'm quite happy to carry on taking Professor McGonagall's classes, I mean we can't have the poor little children falling behind in there lessons now can we." Snape smiled sweetly.  
  
"Ohh well yes, thank you Severus, most good of you, yes most good of you." Dumbledore responded, somewhat happier as he began to slowly inch away from the little wardrobe.  
  
"Happy to oblige" Snape called after Dumbledore.  
  
"Hope you find her soon Albus, this whole thing is just so terrible." He added, trying not to snigger to hard, as he squished around a bit to make himself more comfortable, and happily picked up his book once more.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Hermione smiled giddily as she watched the lone knight ride up to the secluded glen that the horrible big scaly evil dragon had abducted her to.  
  
She sighed gaily as she watched the knight leap from his handsome stead, strike the evil dragon a deadly blow and finally walk agonisingly slowly towards her.  
  
"Morn'n M'Lady." The knight softly spoke, as he quickly untied Hermione from the pole the dragon had fixed her too.  
  
"Morning Sir Knight" Hermione replied huskily.  
  
"Please Sir, Might I know the name of the gallant warrior that saved me, so that I may probably thank him." She added dramatically.  
  
"Ohh ....... well yes ..... certainly ma'am." The knight replied, as he reached up and removed his helmet, letting free his long fiery red hair.  
  
"Gerry Weasel at your Service M'Lady." The knight stated as he slowly leant down towards Hermiones ruby red lips.  
  
Hermione sighed as she closed her eyes, and waited for the soft, almost feminie, lips to touch hers, when she suddenly felt herself pulled from her heavenly dream by someone poking and prodding her rather hard.  
  
"'Mione wake up !" Ginny whispered frustratedly, as she started to shove the elder girl even harder. Honestly if the girl didn't wake up soon then one of the other 6th year girls would, and Ginny had just finished her her last 3 months worth of detention the night before .......  
  
"Arrrggghhhhh !!!" Screamed a thoroughly irritated Hermione.  
  
The person who decided to interrupt her dream was definitely going to pay she quickly decided, as she angrily opened her eyes and looked straight into the face of her handsome knight.  
  
"Gerry....." Hermionie tenderly sighed, as she reached up and ran her hand across the silky smooth cheek of her hero.  
  
"Good to see you to Herm." Ginny replied happily, as she held her friends hand to herself for a moment longer.  
  
"Now hurry up and move over before someone wakes up."  
  
She quickly whispered, as she shoved Hermione over a bit, and began to get into the 6th years bed.  
  
"Huh ...... what .... ?! .... " Hermione asked, as her sleep fogged brain began to clear a bit.  
  
"Ginny ! What on earth are you doing ?!" Hermione asked, startled, as the scene finally worked itself out inside her head.  
  
"Ohh ahh, well .......... you see my ahhh ...... well my bed broke so ahh can I share with you ?" Ginny quickly stated, rather pleased with her quick thinking.  
  
Although now she was going to have to figure out how to actually break a very sturdy bed, not to mention having to make it look like an accident.  
  
"Your bed broke ?! But how ?! What ...." Hermione exclaimed altogether rather perplexed.  
  
"Ahh yeah .... you know Hogwarts being an old school and all, I mean you just can't expect a bed to last forever Hermione." Ginny added, as she bounced around utill she found a comfortable spot to settle into.  
  
"Ohh." Said Hermione.  
  
"Mmmm" Ginny sighed happily, as she grabbed the older girl and gently pulled her to settle against her chest.  
  
"Ummm Ginny ........ ahhh ..... what are you doing ......?!" Hermionie anxiously asked.  
  
"I was cold." Ginny smirked, as she pulled the girl even tighter to her, and sighing contentedly closed her eyes.  
  
"Ohh." Said Hermione.  
  
TBC ......... 


	5. Hermione stops the troublemakers

Chapter V  
  
"Mmmm" Hermione mumbled happily as she snuggled merrily into her comfy Ginny pillow.  
  
It really was most unfortunate that poor Gin's bed had broken, but at least there were some upsides to it, she decided as she relaxed into the warmth of her young companion.  
  
"Mmm" Ginny sighed as the older girl snuggled closer to her.  
  
Yup, she decided gaily, this really was one of her better ideas!  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
"Mmm" muttered Katie Bell happily, as she pulled Luna Lovegood closer to her.  
  
This really was rather heavenly, she decided with a very content smile.  
  
"Mmm" Luna replied back, as she snuggled closer to her hunk-a-hunk-a burning chaser .  
  
She really did have to agree with the stunning 7th year, this definitely was heavenly!  
  
Actually, she considered happily, maybe her Daddy aught to write a column about this .......  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
"Mmm" Sighed Lavender, as she squished Parvati hard against her.  
  
This was definitely the way to wake up in the morning, she decided, a huge grin plastered across her face.  
  
"Mmm" Grouched Parvati grumpily, as her warm cosy 'lavender pillow' decided to move around.  
  
This, she decided, was definitely not the way to wake up in the morning.  
  
Honestly, she thought crabbily, one's pillow aught to stay stationary!  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *   
  
"Arrgggghh !" Screamed Hermione frustraitedly as she sat up, slowly running a hand through her hair in irritation.  
  
How was she supposed to sleepily snuggle with Ginny if her room mates were going to sigh contentedly all morning.  
  
In fact it was positively indecent of them she decided, as she thrust open the bed curtains angrily.   
  
Well they were all in for a right royal telling off , she thought a bit more happily.  
  
However her tirade never got passed her lips, as she looked about the room in stunned silence.  
  
Every single one of her room mates had another occupant in their beds, another female occupant to be precise!  
  
"What the hell is going on here ?!" Hermione demanded crossly, when she finally found her voice again.  
  
"Herm..." Ginny whispered, somewhat loudly to her friend.  
  
"Just leave it be ...." She advised the older girl, seeing a fiery confrontation ahead.  
  
Honestly! She thought to herself, as she shook her head sadly, she loved the older girl dearly, but she could be such a dunce sometimes.  
  
"I will not !" Hermione replied indignantly.  
  
"You're not allowed to have other people in your bed." She stated loudly, making sure the other delinquent girls heard her.  
  
"Really Ginny, as a prefect I can't be seen to be letting people away with breaking the the rules simply because they're my friends or my room mates." She finished loudly.  
  
"O...kaaay ....." Ginny mumbled.  
  
"Well ahh you um .... well you go girl." She said with very little enthusiasm, lamely pumping her fist in the air, afterall she thought, she might as well support her girl, even if she was being an absolute prat !  
  
"Thank you Gin." Hermione smiled patronisingly at the youngest Weasley.  
  
"It's nice to know that someone respects my authority."  
  
"Hmmm" Hermione cleared her throat, sitting up more importantly, as she turned to face the other occupants of the room.  
  
"I believe I asked what the hell was going on here." She stated primly.  
  
"Because I'm perfectly sure that you're all aware of the fact that you are NOT allowed anyone else in your beds." She continued, pearcing each troublemaker with an icy glare.  
  
"Well don't you think you're being a little over dramatic ?" Luna countered gruffly.  
  
"Why my Daddy once said ........ "  
  
"Luna !" Hermione exclaimed shocked.  
  
"What on earth are you doing here ?!"  
  
"Ohh well umm ....... you see ahhh ..... well ahhh my um bed, yes! My bed broke so I had to share with someone else." Luna hurriedly stated. Both herself, and Katie looking rather pleased with her fast thinking.  
  
"Well why didn't you find another bed somewhere in Ravenclaw then ?!" Hermione demanded.  
  
"Ohh My this isn't Ravenclaw ? " Luna laughed fakily  
  
"Well I wonder how I ever ended up here ......" She added picking up her things and quickly leaving, mumbling something about Hermione, a never ending pit of darkness and pain, and the extremely interesting article on the Ruby Dust Mites of Guatemala in the latest issue of The Quibbler.   
  
"And You. " Hermione added pointing her finger at the Gryffindor Chaser.  
  
"Are NOT a 6th year. Or did you forget that on your way to bed ?!" She finished, crossing her arms to further emphasis her point.  
  
"Oh my gosh, you mean this isn't my dorm room ?" Katie spat through clenched teeth, as she glared angrily at the 6th year prefect, as she made her way back to her room.  
  
"Jeez Hermione what crawled up your ars..." Parvati began grouchily, before Lavender hastily covered her friends mouth.  
  
Hermione could be a right pain sometimes, but an insulted Hermione was a dangerous Hermione, and well Lavender was rather fond of living ......  
  
"And....." Hermione started up again.  
  
"What are you two doing in the same bed ?!" She asked raising an eyebrow at them.  
  
"My bed broke." Parvati stated staring back at the prefect.  
  
"No it didn't" Hermione replied looking across at Parvati's perfectly whole and sturdy looking bed."  
  
"Yes it did." Pavarti stated.  
  
"No it didn't " Hermione argued.  
  
"Yes it did." Lavender added, a bit more timidly, after all, she thought, she might as well support her girl.  
  
"NO IT DIDN'T !" Hermione yelled.  
  
"I can actually see it from here you know." She concluded.  
  
"Ohh, well in that case, I had a premonition it would brake then." Parvati smirked at her angry year mate, as she placed her head back down on Lavenders chest.  
  
"So what's Ginny doing in your bed then ?" She added snidely.  
  
"Her bed broke, so she had to sleep somewhere else." Hermione haughtily replied, as Ginny hurriedly pulled the bed covers over herself.  
  
"Uhh huh." Parvati stated disbelievingly.  
  
"Are you calling Ginny a liar ?!" Hermione demanded angrily, astounded at the other girls rudeness.  
  
"Ohh no, never." Parvati replied.  
  
"I'm perfectly sure her poor little bed broke" She continued, adding quotation marks to emphasis her point.  
  
"I'm warning you Parvati ...." Hermione began, taking a very large breath to begin her lecture with.  
  
"Hermione for Merlin's sake please just go back to sleep!" Ginny pleaded, as she peaked over the bed covers.  
  
"Ohh, I'm sorry Gin." Hermione apologised to her younger friend. After all, Lavender and Parvati were probably upsetting her with their criminal ways.  
  
No. She decided angrily, she should have been protecting the young girl from the likes of them, rather than starting a confrontation.  
  
"Don't worry Gin." She whispered as she rested her head against her friends chest, wrapping her arms around the younger girl.  
  
"I won't ever let anyone hurt you." She promised, as she closed her eyes, and happily settled into a warm blissful sleep.  
  
"Mmmm" Ginny whispered happily as she relaxed into the warm embrace.  
  
Yes Hermione was a big idiot, but she was her big idiot, she thought contently, as she let sleep settle over her as well.  
  
TBC ....... 


	6. A pink Cloud

Chapter VI  
  
"Ohhh NO NO NO ! " Hermione exclaimed glumly, as she hurriedly sat up glaring menacingly at the small muggle alarm clock she kept beside her bed.  
  
"Ohh this is just not happening ........" She cried, quickly looking about the room, then covering her eyes so that she couldn't see the evil clock.  
  
Just because everyone else was gone didn't mean the damn clock was right after all !  
  
"No " She thought to herself, as she shook her head firmly, there was just no way that Hermione Granger was 10 minutes late to her first class of the day. Especially when that first class happened to be transfigurations.  
  
Honestly! She laughed to herself, Hermione Granger late to one of Professor Snape's classes ?! That was just too funny !  
  
Really, She decided, this all had to be a very bad dream.  
  
Happy with her decision, the 6th year quickly settled back against her comfy Ginny pillow.  
  
"Huh ?! " Ginny exclaimed sitting up startled by the sudden weight upon her.  
  
"Ohh Herm. " She smiled happily and began to fall back against the bed when she noticed Hermione's bedside clock.  
  
"Merlin's beard ! " She exclaimed loudly, as she thrust Hermione away and quickly leapt out of the bed looking for some robes to put on.  
  
"Hurry up 'Min, we're late ! " She yelled at the older girl as she hastily grabbed Hermione's clothes and threw them on then quickly dashed out the door.  
  
"But ........ Ginny .......... " Hermione garbled incoherently pointing her finger at the younger girl, and shaking her head.  
  
What on earth was she going to wear now ?!  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
"Ahhh Miss Granger, so nice off you to join us today." Snape smirked snidely, as he heard the familiar footsteps announcing a late student.  
  
"Tut tut Miss Granger." He smiled happily, as he looked up preparing to give the tardy young upstart at least a months detention.  
  
However the only words that managed to get past the shocked substitute teachers lips were an astounded "What the .........."  
  
"I ahh .........." Hermione muttered embarrassed as she looked down at the pink knitted dress her Grandmother had given her last Christmas.  
  
She quickly tried to cover her arms across the part where her granny had added the words I love My Grandmother in large gaudy red sequins, but it was just to large.  
  
Why oh why did she decide to leave all her other clothes around Hogwarts, for unsuspecting house elves to come across, she asked herself miserably, as she hurried down the aisle to her seat.  
  
"Wow! I didn't know it was supposed to be fancy dress today" Harry whispered to Hermione and Ron.  
  
Damn! He had just the outfit in his wardrobe too.  
  
"Harry you pillick!" Ron whispered harshly at the boy wonder as he gently clipped him around the head.  
  
Harry could just be SO insensitive at times he thought, as he shook his head sadly.  
  
"Well I don't care what Snape say Mione" Ron quickly whispered upon seeing Hermione's sad face.  
  
"I think you look very ahhh ......... very Gay !" He finished, smiling happily at his quick thinking, Hermione wouldn't be at all upset now.  
  
"......... ?!" Hermione exclaimed, as she looked back and forth between each boy before deciding to throw her head against the table and howl extremely loudly.  
  
Wow thought Ron happily to himself, Hermione was so pleased by his words that she had been moved to tears.  
  
Hmmm maybe he should go into politics after all.......  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
"Hmmm" Snape loudly cleared his thought, standing up and coming out from behind his desk.  
  
"Right now ahhh ........." He began as his eyes wandered helplessly across the room to focus on the pink monstrosity that was Hermione Granger.  
  
Really that had to be the most ghastly think he had ever seen ............  
  
"Excuse me Sir !" An eagger young voice interrupted his sudden stupor.  
  
"Huh ? What Longbottom ?!" He asked agitatedly.  
  
"Please Sir may I go first ?" Neville pleaded hopefully.  
  
"First ? What ......" Snape mumbled to himself.  
  
He just couldn't focus with that appalling ball of wool sitting in the front row.  
  
"Abracadabra" He yelled suddenly as he pointed his wand at Hermione, smiling happily when he saw that her pink outfit had been turned into a normal Gryffindor robe.  
  
"Right thats better." He stated, as he turned and gave the class his full attention.  
  
"Longbottom up here, Quickly !" He shouted at the 6th year boy.  
  
"Well come on Longbottom" He barked, as the boy stood nervously infront of the class.  
  
"We haven't got all day, just read the damn spell." He stated.  
  
"Yeees Siiiiir " Neville squeaked.  
  
"ahhhh Abracadabra turn me into a Fairy Princess." Neville finished meekly, as he quickly waved his wand at himself.  
  
*BANG*  
  
Neville quickly exited from the swirling pink cloud of smoke that had surrounded him.  
  
"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh " The class sighed appreciatively as they took in Neville's new sparkle wings, designer dress, and glittering tiara.  
  
"Good boy, now go sit down." Snape stated.  
  
"Ahhh Parvati you're next."He continued.  
  
"Thats so unfair " Hermione grumbled as she watched Neville flutter towards his seat.  
  
She was supposed to be a Fairy Princess not Neville.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
*Bang*  
  
Lavender strode out of the pink swirly vapour.  
  
She scratched her now far wider belly, wiped her hands on her greasy, beer stained flannel shirt, and readjusted her dirty Smythe & Co Trucking hat before sauntering back to her seat.  
  
Damn she whistled as she noticed Miss Wizarding World 2003 Parvati Patil beside her.  
  
"Baby, you can join my convoy any time !" She whispered into Parvati's pretty little ear.  
  
Pavarti giggled.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *   
  
*Bang*  
  
Ron quickly adjusted his spectacles, and checked that the pink smoke hadn't taken to much curl out of his permed, grey hair.  
  
Ahhh thought Ron happily as he listened to the stunned silence of the room, just the way it should be !  
  
"Hehehehe" Snape giggled, as hard as he tried he couldn't stop himself. The boy just looked so ridiculous in his pleated floral dress.  
  
This was definitely the best day of his life, he decided happily.  
  
"Shhhhhhhh" Ron growled, holding a finger to his lips, as he turned to face the naughty teacher.  
  
Really the rudeness off it all thought Ron unhappily, as he turned back around and shuffled angrily towards his desk.  
  
"Hmmmm right ....." Coughed Snape.  
  
"Ahhh Potter your next." He began, ringing his hands gleefully.  
  
"Righto wish me luck then guys " Harry stated, as he eagerly got up and ran to the teachers desk.  
  
This all seemed like jolly good fun really !  
  
"Off you go then Potter." Snape smirked.  
  
"Okay .... well ahhh Abracadabra turn me into the FBIs # 1 most wanted criminal." He spoke, as he pointed his wand at himself and gave it a nice little flourish.  
  
*Bang*  
  
Harry quickly glanced all around the room as he slowly edged himself out of the pink cloud.  
  
One couldn't be too careful, he thought to himself as he idly stroked his bushy black beard, and hastily pulled his blue baseball cap lower over his eyes, nope the feds had spies everywhere.  
  
Seeing his chance he quickly ran to his seat, and hid beneath the table.  
  
No one would know where he was now, he quickly determined.  
  
Yes, thought Snape happily to himself, as he watched the silly boy hide beneath his table, this was definitely the best day of his life !  
  
"Right then ....." Snape drawled merrily.  
  
"I believe that leaves you Granger." He smiled evilly at the annoyed young Gryffindor.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *   
  
"Damn it Granger do it again !" Snape bellowed angrily.  
  
"And do it properly this time." He added, glaring at her accusatorially.  
  
"I've done it properly the last 9 times" Hermione exclaimed exasperatedly.  
  
"Obviously the spell doesn't work." She added snidely.  
  
"Yes it does !" Snape screamed through clenched teeth.  
  
"D O I T A G A I N !!!!!" He roared menacingly, there was no way this little brat was going to ruin the icing on his perfect day.  
  
"Fine." Hermione grumbled annoyed.  
  
"Abracadabra turn me into a Lesbian" She stated tiredly, as she flicked her wand at herself.  
  
Nothing happened.  
  
"Arrrgggggggghhhhhhhh " Screamed Snape as he stomped his feed loudly, and threw his arms about in the air.  
  
"Defy me will you Granger ?!" He stated darkly when he had gotten over his little fit.  
  
"Fine then, take this to the headmaster right away." He spat out, throwing a letter at Hermione.  
  
"Whats this ?" Hermione asked worriedly.  
  
"A letter detailing your rudeness, and failure to participate in your class properly, and a request that your parents be informed." Snaped smiled at the now very frightened looking young girl.  
  
"Get along with you then." He smirked happily, as he watched the forlorn young Gryffindor trudge unhappily out of the classroom.  
  
"Ohh and Granger" He quickly added  
  
"4 points from Gryffindor !"  
  
Well thought Hermione glumly, this just wasn't shaping up to be her day.  
  
TBC.......... 


	7. The Mad Hatters Tea Party

Authors Note : Sorry its taken me a good millennia to finish writing this again, I'm rather afraid that I'm atrociously lazy. Unfortunately I prefer reading to writing, however I cannot stand unfinished stories, so I will attempt to finish this silly little one.

Chapter VII

"Ah Miss Granger do come in." Professor Dumbledore kindly welcomed the grumpy looking 6th year into his office.

"May I offer you a fire breathing sherbet ?" he asked, carefully extending the rather nasty looking sweet.

"Ah no ... I'm ah ... good thanks professor..." Hermione stuttered watching the offending sweet trying very hard to burn a gigantic hole in the professors beard.

"Oh well ..." Professor Dumbledore muttered happily popping the proffered sweet into his mouth.

"So Miss Granger, to what do owe the pleasure of this visit ?" He kindly inquired.

"Well I um ... Professor Snape said that ah ... Actually Professor, I said the damn spell ten hundred times, and If Nevile got his in one go then I'd just like to point out that mine was obviously faulty and therefore I must conclude that this is all Professor Snapes fault!"Hermione rapidly stated, throwing the note Snape had written at Dumbledore.

"Hmm" muttered Dumbledore reaching for the note and adjusting his spectacles for better reading ability.

"Miss Granger... transfigure... lesbian...refusing to complete spell...right little upstart...you better tell her parents or I will... I hate all Gryffindors...damn it when do I get a pay rise ... signed Severus Snape."The headmaster mumbled to himself.

"Well Miss Granger I must say I am quite shocked." Dumbledore declared, quickly pulling back his jar of fire breathing sherbets in case the naughty young Gryffindor thought she deserved a treat.

"Really I would never have expected you of all people to not participate to your fullest in one of your classes. Yes very shocking indeed." He continued. "I'm afraid Severus is right, I shall have to inform your parents of this naughtiness."

"But Professor ... " whined the distraught 6th year, how dear they suggest she wasn't participating fully in one of her classes, the utter injustice of it all. Quite frankly she decided this was all together unfair!

"No, no like I said Severus is right I shall talk to your parents." Dumbledore repeated to himself. "Ah, Lunchtime I do believe." he added sniffing the air. "Shoo." He finished waving the upset 6th year away.

"Sorry Professor? " Hermione muttered rather shocked at the rude and rather unDumbledore like actions the headmaster was making at her.

"Shoo." Dumbledore repeated, suddenly wondering if maybe the bright young Gryffindor had taken a rather nasty knock to the head, it would explain the out of characterness of her actions...

"Ohh" Hermione muttered unhappily, getting up and making her way to the Great Hall for lunch.

--

"Ah Harry why are you hiding under the Gryffindor table ?" Hermione quizzed the boy wonder as she took her seat at the lunch table.

"Shhhhh!" Harry exclaimed, quickly poking his head out to look at his friend.

"There's damn Feds all over the place 'Mione, you gotta keep quiet or they'll get me!" He hissed at her and quickly poked his head back under the table.

"Honestly Harry don't be so ridiculous." Hermione sighed. "We're at Hogwarts remember!" She told the obviously mistitled boy genius " The Federal Bureau of Investigation is a muggle organization, how on earth could they be here ?!" She demanded, honestly the stupidity of some people she thought to herself, and was in fact about to inform her silly friend of how stupid he was being when she felt a polite tapping on her shoulder. Turning around she noticed a very angry looking, rather grotesquely perfectly purpley permed Ron.

"SHHHHHH !!" He exclaimed giving her a very disappointed look.

"Oh for Merlin's sake Ronald, this is a lunch hall not a god damned Library!" Hermione sighed exasperatedly.

"Yeah Granny why don't you pipe down" threw in Lavender Brown as she scratched her singlet, gulped down her firewhisky, and laughed at her funny comment.

"Well I never!"exclaimed Ron tearfully as he picked up his lovely pink dragonskin handbag and tottered off to the safety of his pretty library.

"Lavender Brown!" Hermione shouted as she finally took her eyes of the strange sight of one of her best friends tearfully running away in a very unmanly floral print dress, and magenta heels.

"That had better not be firewhisky you're drinking there! I'll have you know I'm a prefect! I will not stand for that kind of shannagins from my own house!" She huffed, fully prepeaered to launch into a rather large triad on the dangers of the demon drink.

"Aww look Miss Goody-Two Shoes is getting all upset." Lavender laughed, quickly taking a good hefty swig of the last of her drink, and throwing in an arse scratch for good measure.

"mmmmmmm" Parvarti sighed happily as she looked up at her big attractive hunk of a truck driver.

"Now look here you" Hermione began only to be interrupted by yet another polite tap on her shoulder.

"What ?!" She shrieked turning around to face a positively pink, fluttering and beaming Nevile.

"I'm a fairy Princess." He happily told her.

"ARRRGGGGGHHH!!" Screamed Hermione, finally having had enough of the madness.

"You're all completely mental!" She yelled, turning and deciding to get the hell out of this insanity.

Unfortunately she didn't get far before running into two rather hard and strangely moving pieces of wall. Looking up she truly smiled for the first time that day.

"Mum, Dad !" She shrieked, and happily threw herself into the pure and utter sensibility of their arms.

TBC...


	8. MR and Mrs Granger Help Out

Authors Note: Thank you to all the wonderful people who reviewed the last chapter, defiantly much appreciated.

Oh and Daf.crazy.otaku you are right – it was your review which gave me the kick in the pants to attempt to finish this story.

--

"There, there." Reginald Granger murmured, as he hesitantly patted his hysterically crying daughter on the back.

"Mum, Dad, it's so good to see you two." Hermione sighed, quickly whipping her wet face with her sleeve, and smiling happily.

"It's good to see you too darling." Daphne Granger smiled at her only child. "Although I must say your father and I were most unhappy to hear about your naughtiness in class. Really Hermione, we had come to expect better of you." she finished somewhat sternly.

"Here, here." added Reginald, thinking that he probably aught to be supporting his wife.

"But I ... I mean...that's so not true... thats completely unfair." Spluttered the agitated 6th year, stomping her foot loudly for affect. Really she had thought her parents might see the utter farcicalness of this whole situation.

"No, no, nothing for it dear I'm afraid, we'll just have to go and see your Headmaster so you can apologize." Reginald declared, patting his daughter heartily on the back whilst maneuvering her towards Dumbledores office.

"But I ... arrrrgggghh!" groaned Hermione as she grumpily stomped after her parents.

--

"Ahh yes, Reginald, Daphne. Most good to see you again, do come in." Dumbledore smiled as he welcomed the naughty young Gryffindor and her seemingly nice parents into his office.

"May I offer you a chocking chocolate ?" He politely asked the two elder Granger's pushing a bowl of rather nasty looking dark sweets towards them.

"No thank you, we're dentists." Daphne explained, as she angrily swatted her husbands hand away from the jar.

"Ahh yes of course." Dumbledore uttered, moving his bowl back and shaking his head at the utter silliness of muggles.

"Daphne, Reginald, may I introduce Professor Snape, your daughters substitute transfigurations teacher." Dumbledore smiled kindly pointing to an almost darkly smiling Severus Snape.

"Yeeess I'm rather afraid that your stupid little know it all, ... ahh I mean lovely, daughter has been very very naughty." Snape drawled, smirking at the annoyed young Gryffindor.

"Yes I'm afraid the Headmaster has told us all about it already." Reginald sadly nodded his head. "Terrible business really. Most unexpected." He concluded.

"However we did bring along some things to help her out." Daphne hastily added, after all their little girl wasn't really that naughty, maybe she just had a cold or something. Yes that would defiantly explain things...

"What ?!" Exclaimed Hermione perfectly sure that her mother couldn't have just said what she did.

"You just brought some things along to help me become a LESBIAN ?!"

"Well yes dear ..." Daphne muttered, not really liking the maniacal tone her daughter was taking on.

"Now look here." Reginald interrupted his naughty daughter. "If your teacher wants you to be a lesbian then your mother and I fully expect you to become a big old gay one. "

"Right so if my teacher wants me to become a mass murderer should I become that too ?!" A thoroughly shocked Hermione asked, contemplating that if they agreed with that silly comment too then she might just have to kill them first.

"Now darling don't be so ridiculous." Reginald declared, getting somewhat annoyed with his silly daughters antics.

"Have you got the things we brought there mother?" He asked his wife, hoping to calm down his errant daughter.

"Yes father." Daphne replied happily as she quickly searched through her extremely large bag.

"Ahh yes, here we go." She mumbled to herself as she pulled out a rather large quantity of flannel shirts and threw them at her daughter.

"?!" exclaimed Hermione, falling into a spare seat, completely and utterly shocked by the ridiculousness of the situation.

"They aught to go nicely with your robes dear." Here mother smiled insanely at her as she pointed to the garishly coloured shirts surrounding the 6th year.

"Oh and look, your Mother even found one of her old kd lang cds for you." Her father added happily waving the item at her.

"And your father said you could borrow these too." Daphne grinned as she passed a stack of rather old looking magazines to her daughter. "That was very nice of him wasn't it honey."She added smiling lovingly at her kind husband.

"Merlin's beard!" Hermione exclaimed, nearly dropping the magazines to the floor.

"Playboy! Penthouse! Hustler! What the ...?!" She yelled staring in complete and utter shock at her parents.

"Oh, your father said there's a rather nice young model in one of these magazines." Her mother noted, getting up to show her daughter the lovely young thing she was apparently talking about.

"Ahh yes, see" She shoved the copy of Playboy January 1977 towards her daughter.

"Your father and I rather thought she looked a lot like that lovely Weasley girl you spend your summers with." She added, pointing to the exact page and thinking of how lovely it would be to organize a spring wedding for the two young girls. After all she really did like the young Weasley girl, what was her name again?... Ninny ? Yes that was it! Well she would defiantly make a wonderful daughter in law she sighed happily to herself. She must remember to tell Reginald that.

"OH MY GOD MOTHER!" Hermione screamed thoroughly astounded by her parents strange behavior.

"I mean you just cant..." She continued, glancing down at the page her mother was furiously pointing out to her. "Umm ... I ... wow." She muttered. The model did really look like a slightly older version of Ginny. "I ... ah... yum." She mumbled holding up the page for closer inspection. Wow, she wondered if Ginny really did look like that completely naked with all that beautifully long read hair, perfectly shaped breasts and soulful brown eyes. "Wow." She muttered again, deciding to thoroughly drawl all over the open page.

"Headmaster I really must protest!" Snape suddenly yelled, not liking the way the silly Granger girl was smiling happily to herself. After all she had been horrendously naughty damn it! She was supposed to be being punished here.

"That damn little upstart know it all ... ah I mean terribly lovely student has been very naughty! Shouldn't we kill her or something." He whined, not liking that the situation didn't seem to be going his way anymore.

"Now now Severus, we simply can't go around killing naughty students." Dumbledore chuckled at his substitute transfigurations master " Why we wouldn't have any students left if we did that." He laughed to himself.

"Perhaps if she apologized and promised to work better in her classes?" Reginald queried the Headmaster. After all his brilliant daughter couldn't be expected to be brilliant all the time could she...

"Yes, quite." Dumbledore agreed happily, it was probably an all together better option than killing the usually well mannered young Gryffindor he decided.

"Sweet heart, tell the nice Headmaster your sorry." Daphne suggested, trying to pat her child out of the dazed fog she seemed to be in.

"Huh ... what?" Hermione muttered, rather annoyed that someone seemed to be poking her out of her completely heterosexual naked Ginny thoughts.

"Apologize to the nice Headmaster and teacher, theres a good girl." Her father helpfully repeated, smiling at her like she was somewhat of a simpleton.

"What ... yeah ah ... sorry." She muttered waving her hand at Professors Snape and Dumbledore, before happily dragging her eyes back to her fathers brilliant completely unoffensive and obviously entirely journalistic magazine.

TBC ...


End file.
